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Fifty Shades Of Grey by EL James (Fifty Shades Trilogy No 1)

19 Jan

images[5]Dear God….

This is the worst piece of literature (it pains me to even call it that) I have ever read in my entire life. It actually beggars belief that this is a bestseller. My eleven-year-old niece could write something better right now, without the godawful porn of course. It reads like a primary school essay. It’s just so stilted and the grammar… dear God the grammar.

Look, I’m not a prude. Sex in a book does not bother me. I actually really enjoy it usually to be honest so this is not the reason this book bothers me so much. There are actually so many reasons I’m not sure where to start. Okay so first of all the similarities to Twilight. I know she wrote this as a Twilight fan fiction first and then it evolved into this and that is fair enough. However, she could have at least tried a tiny bit harder to change up more of the details. Lets just summarise the basic similarities. Ana, short for Anastacia is Bella, short for Isabella. She is in love with Edward/Christian who has a brother called Emmet/Eliot and a sister called Mia/Alice. His fathers named Carlisle/Carrick. Edwards father is a doctor. Christians mother is a doctor. Ana/Bella also have a separate love interest who is head over heels in love with them but they (shockingly) have trouble believing this. His name is Jose/Jacob. (I’m not kidding) Ana/Bella are stunningly beautiful but for some reason don’t understand that they are indeed ‘total babes’. (Her words, not mine) You could delve a little deeper and look at the similarities between the storylines and stuff but to be honest I just couldn’t be bothered.

The next thing that annoyed me so much is Ana. She is painful. I have never disliked a main character so much. Christian is also a disgusting human being. Ana is everything I dislike in a person, indecisive, weak, dependent on others, naive and above all else, stupid beyond belief. If I have to read the words ‘Oh my’ again I may indeed curl up in a ball and die a little inside. Christian, other than his obvious flaws, is a complete stalker with schizophrenic tendencies who needs to be locked up in a mental asylum as soon as possible. If I have to hear him tell her to stop biting her lip (something that makes him want to ‘take her right here’ for some unknown reason) once more I may also crawl to the nearest corner and die some more inside.

Next up is the sex. It’s so extreme and ridiculous it didn’t once make me even a tiny bit ‘hot and bothered’. My muscles ‘down there’ certainly didn’t clench with delicious desire that pooled somewhere below my waist. Yes people, that is what these sex scenes are like. Run, run while you still can! Also it seems that Ana along with not having a gag-reflex is the most easily turned on person in the history of mankind and has earth-shattering, mind-blowing orgasms at the drop of a hat, or trousers as the case may be. Also for someone who was a virgin a week ago she learns pretty fast. I actually thought the whole bondage and S&M side of things was going to be a little more extreme. We really just got shown a lot of items and paraphernalia related to that lifestyle and only got to see it being used maybe twice. Big whoop…

Even though this book is the worst thing I have ever read I unfortunately bought the trilogy on Kindle and due to my OCD tendencies when it comes to reading series’ I will more than likely follow through and read the remaining two books. At least I can then feel justified in having an informed opinion on what is quite unbelievably a bestseller….

Beggars belief people….

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1 Comment

Posted by on January 19, 2013 in Book Review

 

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One response to “Fifty Shades Of Grey by EL James (Fifty Shades Trilogy No 1)

  1. Hina Tabassum Khatri

    January 26, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I totally agree with your opinion in this regard. It was nauseating beyond belief.

     

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